.... Dear Really Old Farts,
I am writing to you today with great concern over something that I have noticed more and more lately. I feel I must address this before many lives are destroyed or somebody goes ape shit all over your ass and breaks your hip. This is something that shouldn't be taken lightly, as it will no doubt help cause many people their sanity - including your own. Although I do believe that growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
Please, for the love of God, if your ears are hairier than your head, please refrain from driving from the hours of 7:00am through 10:00am. I realize that you have your breakfast at 4:00am, dinner at 3:00pm, so lunch is somewhere around 8:00am, but please try to have your lunch at home instead of venturing out onto the crowded, traffic laden streets at that hour. Some of us still consider a speed limit a challenge.
Just this morning one of your fellow octogenarian (fancy term for old fucker) decided today would be a nice day to go out and fuck with traffic. From what I could tell, she didn't know where she was going. Probably because she couldn't see over the steering wheel. She did 30 in a 45mph zone, slowing down to 20 every side street seeing if that's where she needed to turn. She almost had a head on collision veering over into the other lane of traffic as she fumbled for her cell phone to call another blue haired to find out where she was going. I mean, seriously guys. It's not like you're going off to work so there's absolutely no reason to be on the roads at that hour.
I have devised a simple test to tell if you are too old to be driving, or at least too old to be driving before or after most of us are going or coming home from work.
Count how many of the following you remember:
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're way too young to even be driving at this age
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older, and it's probably ok for you to drive
If you remembered 11-15 = It's getting to be about that time where you would love to go upstairs and have sex, but you don't have the energy to do both
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt and should give up your license immediately
Or, here's a simpler version of a test to determine if you're too old to drive:
If you can live without sex, but not without glasses - don't drive. |
My thoughts exactly! By the way, I could remember 12 from the list and can still walk up, or down, a flight of stairs AND have sex! Have a great day and keep your amusing thoughts coming.